Catching Casablancas, Chasing Mars
by Lymie Eros
Summary: Dick has something that Veronica needs. But he'd rather give her himself instead. True love sometimes means having to say “What the ... ? !”
1. Veronica, Get Thyself Laid!

Disclaimer: Veronica Mars belongs to Rob Thomas, The CW, et al. Paige Summers is technically my original character, but she's based on the basic 09er biyatch mold (e.g. Madison et al), so she's not really "mine" but just another outcropping of a basic stereotype.

Some Background on this Story: At the time of this writing I've seen up to 3x16 (SPOILERpizandveronicadothenastySPOILER). This story assumes that after Logan and Parker started going out, Veronica started dating Piz for awhile, but then they broke up. So now she's single again. And she never realized that her true love was right behind her all along … checking out her ass in those tight jeans. What a Dick!

Warning: Lots of sex! But there's a lot more talking about sex than actual sex, unfortunately. And implied homosexual intercourse that may lead to blindness in younger readers, so don't read unless you are old enough to legally have sex in whatever country/state/province/etc you live in. And I'll also be dropping the F-bomb at several strategic locations!

Also, if you find yourself going "WTF?!" at the first scene, don't worry. It's meant to be a surreal/WTF kind of scene. I mean really, Wallace saying that to Ronnie?! WTF?!?!

**Catching Dick, Chasing Mars**

By Lymie Eros

Chapter 1: Veronica, Get Thyself Laid!

"'Ron, I'm saying this as your friend. You _seriously_ need to get laid."

Veronica just stared at him, her mouth open with shock. "_What_ did you just say?" she asked in disbelief.

"I'm serious," Wallace replied. "Logan and Parker aren't going anywhere, things didn't work out with Piz, and now you're even more uptight than normal. You just need to _relax_, you know? Have a one night stand or something."

Veronica blinked. "O … kay. Now, where is this coming from?" she queried. "I can't even believe that we're having this conversation in the first place."

"Mac and I drew straws," Wallace said half-jokingly, "and I lost, so I got to tell you."

Veronica shook her head. She wondered if this could be a dream, but quickly nixed that idea. For one thing, she would never dream about having a conversation like this with Wallace in the Hearst Dining Hall. For another, even if she _were_ having a dream like that, she was damn sure she wouldn't dream about herself eating the daily mystery meat selection.

"Since when did you and Mac get so buddy-buddy that you could talk to each other about my sex life?" she asked.

"Well, it started back in high school when we had to spend all day together in detention," he joked.

"Let me guess," Veronica retorted, "she was the brain and you were the jock? How very '80s of you!"

"But really, Veronica," Wallace told her, his expression suddenly serious. "You need to let off some steam! It doesn't have to be some guy at a frat party or something. Just one of those college hook-ups, you know? Everybody does it. Besides, every time I'm around you lately I just get this _feeling_. Like I'm scared and bored at the same time."

"Forget it, Emilio. I don't need your advice in the relationship department. I'm doing just fine on my own." Seeing the look he gave her, she added reassuringly, "Really, I am. Thanks for your concern, but I don't need a one-night stand. What I _need_ is to kick some ass and take some names. I'll be back to my usual chipper self in no time." She picked up her tray and started for the trashcan, Wallace trailing behind her. After dumping the contents of her tray, she turned around with a puzzled look on her face and asked, "By the way, how can you possibly be scared and bored at the same time?"

"You know," Wallace told her as he put his empty tray on top of the trash bin, "It's like you're intellectually unstimulated but you have this underlying anxiety."

"That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever," Veronica told him pleasantly. "But I'll take your word for it."

"You look like you need to get laid."

"God, _why_ does everyone keep saying that to me?" Veronica asked with exasperation and not a little sarcasm as she ran her fingers through her platinum-blonde waist-length hair. She pretended like it was pretend exasperation that she felt, but really it was _real_ exasperation, what with all the prying everyone was doing into her recently inactive sex life. Now there was something that was both scary _and_ boring—her sex life, or lack thereof, since she and Piz broke up.

"Cuz it's true," Dick Casablancas said with a shrug as he caught up to Veronica on the pathway that cut across the Hearst quad. "You know, Ronnie," he added slinging an unwelcome arm around her shoulder, "If you ever need someone to scratch your itch, you know who to call." He clicked his tongue and winked at her.

Veronica gave a mock shudder of disgust. "Your parents must have known what they were doing when they named you," she said as she extricated herself from his muscular arm, "in more ways than one."

"I am what I am." It was a surprisingly philosophical statement, coming from him.

"Dick is as Dick does," Veronica quipped.

"Ooh, Ronnie, your cruel words wound me!" Dick exclaimed as he playfully clutched his chest with his hands before laughing off her insult. "Remember, the offer's still open, but I can't say for how long!" he told her as he turned around and headed off in order to pursue some hot, blond babe that had just caught his eye.

"That's one offer that _no one_ should ever take," Veronica said to herself as she continued on her way to her next class.

"Veronica Mars, just the person I needed to see."

Veronica turned around at the sound of a familiar voice and plastered on an über-fake smile in response to the unpleasant sight that graced her eyes. "Well, if it isn't Paige Summers. The last time I saw you, I believe you were having a problem with some nude photos of you that somehow got posted on your myspace page. Did they ever find out who did that?" she asked with fake concern, knowing full well that they both knew it had been _her_ revenge for the cruel things Paige had done to her back in high school.

"Ha, ha, very funny Veronica. I'm not going to get out my claws and pull out your hair or anything. The past is the past, and I am _so_ over it. And besides, high school is _so_ last year. Can't we just let bygones be bygones?"

For once, Veronica found herself without anything to say. "Okay, that's fine with me. I'm not too big on catfights, anyway. Except when I win," she added. "And I always do."

"Anyway, the reason I need to talk to you is because I want to hire you. You still do that detective stuff, right?" asked her former Neptune High classmate.

Veronica hesitated for a moment, and then nodded. After all, if this 09er said that she wanted to keep the past in the past then there was no reason that Veronica couldn't take her too-rich parents' money with a clear conscience. "My standard fee is $500 plus expenses. I take it you can afford that?"

"Of course. But … any work you do would be confidential, right? I mean, you're professionally obligated not to tell anyone about this … aren't you?"

Veronica raised one eyebrow. "Discretion _is_ a requirement in this line of work, yes."

"Great." Paige seemed very relieved. "Then, could we maybe go somewhere a little more private to talk about this?"

"Sure," Veronica replied. "I know just the place."

Back in high school, Veronica had often used Neptune High's ladies' room as her "office." During her time at Hearst she had generally steered clear of such working environments, but for a conversation where privacy was of the utmost importance there was no better place on campus. After checking to make sure all the stalls were empty, Veronica scribbled "Out of Order" on a sheet of paper and taped it to the outside of the restroom door, then locked the door from the inside so that maintenance workers couldn't get in without a fight.

"Now," she said once all the precautions had been taken. "What's with all this secrecy?" She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back against the counter with the sinks and big-ass mirror.

Paige glanced around nervously, her gaze lingering momentarily on the broken tampon and sanitary napkin dispenser on the wall before she turned back to Veronica and licked her lips. "I need you to get something for me."

Veronica raised a single eyebrow, and waited for several seconds, but no further information was forthcoming from her reluctant client. Veronica decided to ask some leading questions. "Was this "thing" you need me to get for you … stolen?" she asked.

"No."

Again, after the monosyllabic response the brunette grew quiet and said no more.

"Okay then. What can you tell me about this 'thing'?" Veronica asked, her impatience growing by the second.

"Well, I don't really know anything about it. I just … need you to get it for me."

Veronica felt a sudden urge to throttle the other girl. Was this some sort of joke? Was she pretending to have a case in order to get back at Veronica for putting nude pictures of her on her myspace page? Veronica didn't have the time or the patience to be locked in some sort of never-ending revenge battle. She didn't _need_ to have a Professor Moriarty figure out there trying to trip up every case she took on. Holding back the venomous words that lay in wait on the tip of her tongue, she decided that she needed to dispense with the formalities and get straight to the matter at hand.

"Look," she said, "If you want me to help you I _need_ to know the specifics. If you don't tell me anything, then I have nothing to go on. I don't even know what this 'thing' is that you're talking about. If you want me to work for you, you have to tell me _everything_. No lies, no partial truths, no nothing. Just give it to me straight, or else I'm walking right out that door," she told the other girl firmly.

Paige sighed and placed a hand against her forehead. "That's just it," she said sorrowfully, "I don't really _know_ what's going on!" Then she began to cry.

Veronica did not feel particularly comfortable around crying women, especially those who had once been her enemies back in high school. "Why don't you start from the beginning?" she said in the most comforting voice she could manage, which still sounded rather harsh coming from her. She _was_ Veronica Mars, after all—she was no marshmallow. At least not when it came to people who weren't her close friends.

Paige sniffled, and Veronica finally managed to feel a shred of pity and walked into one of the stalls, picked up a spare roll of toilet paper, and handed it to the girl with the tear-streaked face.

"Thank you," Paige mumbled as she tore off a square of toilet paper and dabbed at her face. "I'll try and start from the beginning." She sucked in a shaky breath. "Sometime last year towards the end of my senior year in high school, I got pregnant." She bit her lip. "There are two guys who _might_ be the father. One of them I hooked up with … pretty frequently. The other one I only slept with once, and that was it. We used a condom, so I'm about 99 sure that it's not him. Anyway, so the guy I _think_ is the father refuses to have anything to do with my little girl." Paige opened up the tiny LV purse slung over her arm and dug through the contents until she pulled out her wallet. She opened it up and took out a picture of what had to be, honest-to-God, the most adorable baby Veronica had ever seen. "Her name is Daisy," she said as she handed the picture to Veronica. "She means everything to me, but her father refuses to have anything to do with her. He won't pay child support, won't visit with her. He won't even admit that he's her father, because he knows about the other guy. He's missing out on everything, her first words, her first steps. Her first birthday is coming up in a few months, and I don't want him to miss out on that too."

"Why not just order a paternity test to sort out the whole issue?" Veronica asked as she handed the picture back to Paige.

"That's just it, he refuses to take one. I could go through the court system to get it, but there _is_ the possibility that he's not the father, and I don't want to cause a lot of publicity." Even though they were in one of the most private places on campus, Paige somehow felt the need to lower her voice for her next statement. "My dad is thinking of quitting his law practice and entering politics. If I made anything about this situation public, it would create a _huge_ scandal that could cost him his political career before it's even started. Having an illegitimate child right out of high school is one thing, but having a legal battle in the courts to determine who the father is? That's something else."

Veronica nodded. She could understand how the situation had escalated to this point, and why discretion was so important in this case. "So what you want to do," she surmised, "is do an 'at home' paternity test through the mail. And because the father won't agree to a cheek swab, you need me to get a 'specimen' from him, is that right?"

Paige's face lit up and she nodded her head vigorously, which caused her lush blond hair to bounce up and down like a pogo stick. "Exactly!" she exclaimed. "You can do it, right? I mean, you're Veronica Mars. Everyone always says that you're the best private detective out there."

"Well, not the best …" Veronica thought of her dad. She could never win against him, but then again he was no longer a private detective anymore. He was the sheriff now. And what other competition besides her dad was there, anyway? Vinnie Van Lowe? Puh-leeze. "You're right," she said with her voice full of pride and a smug smile on her face. "I _am_ the best!"

Her smile soon died down, however, as her thoughts began to wander. She thought of all the things she and Duncan had done to get his daughter, Faith—no, _Lilly_—away from her abusive grandparents. Duncan had been willing to do anything for the sake of his daughter, even if it meant leaving his home and running halfway across the globe to escape from the law. This guy, the father of Paige's baby, was the complete opposite. He wouldn't even see his daughter. It made Veronica realize just how unfair the world was. The man who _wanted_ to be with his daughter had to break the law to do it; the one whose daughter was readily available to him had to be _forced_ to so much as acknowledge her existence.

"Don't worry, Paige," Veronica said with renewed confidence and a determination to make this deadbeat dad know just what he was missing out on. "I'll get him. Are you sure you don't already have something of his? An old hairbrush, a piece of sweaty clothing, a … used condom? Something that might have his DNA on it?"

"No, nothing. We were never really 'dating' exactly," she said with a blush, "it was just sex. And I always went to _his_ place since my parents are kind of strict about having boys over, so I don't have anything of his."

"Then I guess I'll just have to find something," Veronica said more to herself than to her client. "I'll need you to give me some information about him." She reached into her trusty messenger bag and pulled out a pen and notepad. "Name, age, address, phone number, whatever you can give me." She poised the pen atop the paper, prepared to begin writing.

Paige chuckled nervously, a sound that drew Veronica's eyes up to the other girl's face. Paige was very obviously making an attempt to avoid Veronica's gaze. "I don't think you'll need me to give you _that_ much information about him," she said with a shaky voice.

"What do you mean?" Veronica asked.

"Well, you already know him."

A sneaking suspicion began to creep up on Veronica. "I do?"

"Yeah."

"His first name wouldn't happen to refer to the same body part of his that got you into this mess in the first place, would it?"

Paige's blush deepened and she nodded in the affirmative.

Veronica let out the breath she hadn't known she was holding with a great whoosh. "Dick," she said in exasperation. "Of course! It's the same organ he always thinks with. Why am I not surprised?"

A/N: Well, it looks like Dick may be a daddy! Wow. That doesn't make things look too good for his prospects with Veronica. So will Veronica ever get laid?! And exactly how will she get his 'specimen'?! If you combine those previous two questions I think you can figure out for yourself where this is going.


	2. Dick's Lucky Charms

Dick and Veronica. True love sometimes means having to say "What the $#?!?!?!?!?!?"

Warning: Implied homosexuality between two beloved (canonically straight-ish) characters. Oh, and Veronica considers having sex with Dick. For the good of the case, of course. Or so she tells herself …

**Catching Dick, Chasing Mars**

By Lymie Eros

Chapter 2: Dick's Lucky Charms

"Mac! The Macster! Macaroo!"

"Hey Veronica," Mac said nervously as she grabbed her tray and left the lunch line, headed for a table. The eggplant looked awful, so she'd picked the linguine instead. And from the look in Veronica's eyes, she knew exactly what was coming.

"So," Veronica said conversationally as they picked an empty table in the cafeteria and sat down, "Since when have you and Wallace felt the need to discuss my sex life?"

"Maybe since we're both afraid you're going to explode or something every time we're around you?" She took a bite of her linguine. Bad choice. She'd _known_ it was a bad choice, but … she just hadn't been able to resist. Just like … "Like last week when that guy accidentally bumped into you. You _tasered_ him when he didn't apologize. He didn't even knock you down or anything, it was just an accident! Everyone is scared of you right now, Veronica. You're really scary. Something had to be done."

Veronica sighed. It wasn't as though she _liked_ being irritable or anything. It was just her personality. Or something. But when it made her friends feel uncomfortable just being around her … well, in that case she could acknowledge that it was a problem. _Maybe_.

"So, did you have anyone in particular in mind when you were discussing this?" she asked, trying to be as civil as possible when all she really wanted to do was scream at the top of her lungs.

"No, we just … I don't know, we just wanted to help, you know?" Her fork poked around at the linguine on her plate. "I mean, you're obviously not happy the way things are right now, so we thought …" she shrugged and took another bite of linguine.

Veronica leaned back in her chair and crossed both her arms and her legs. "So you thought you'd just pass that sentiment along to me and have me take care of it? Yeah, thanks." She paused, considering something in her head and then deciding to go for it. "Do you know if Parker is planning to stay in your room tonight?"

Mac nearly spit out her soda at the question as she looked up at Veronica, her eyes wide. "You're not planning … _Logan_?!" she managed with a squeak. "No, no way Veronica! I know you've still got feelings for him, but—"

"It's nothing like that!" Veronica cut her off quickly. Not that she hadn't thought along the same lines as Mac, but … she was trying to avoid thinking about _anything_ to do with Logan at the moment. "Not Logan." She wondered how much she could safely tell Mac about her latest case without breaking confidentiality.

Mac's eyes grew even wider as she stared at Veronica in horror. "You mean … Dick?!" she exclaimed a little too loudly. All conversation at nearby tables stopped as people turned to stare at the two young women. Veronica glanced around nervously, knowing that the college rumormille was even worse than the high school version of the same—and that she did _not_ want to be its subject by any means!

Veronica stood up abruptly and grabbed Mac by the arm—she obviously wasn't _that_ enthralled with her linguine anyway—and dragged her out of the cafeteria. She could already hear the tongues wagging behind them.

When they were safely outside, she told her friend, "_Not_ Dick," and then came clean about the case, or at least as much of it as she felt she could. After all, Mac _was_ only a few degrees away from Dick. Mac's roommate Parker was dating Logan, Dick's roommate. If Mac let even a little something slip, it would get back to Dick just like that—and Veronica's case would be put in serious danger. "There's this case, and—I may need to sneak in and get some evidence."

Mac raised an eyebrow. "From _Logan's_ place?"

Veronica nodded. "It's … not anything serious. I can't really talk about it. But I need to know if Parker is going to be there tonight or not. Can you help me with this?"

Mac swallowed hard. "I can _try_ and keep her from going there, but she might get suspicious if I try _too_ hard."

Veronica nodded. "Whatever you can do to help would be … great." She smiled at her friend, although it wasn't a genuine smile. She'd just realized exactly how bitchy she'd been lately. No wonder her friends were on pins and needles whenever she was around. All she ever did was talk about _herself,_ or her latest case, or her angsty-epic-on-again-off-again-whatever-the-hell-it-was she had with Logan.

Just as she was about to ask Mac about how _her_ love-life was going, Mac let out a chuckle of relief. "For a minute there, I thought you were going to say you'd decided to sleep with Dick. Now _that_ would have been awkward."

Veronica blinked. "Awkward?" That wasn't quite the word she would have chosen. "Why?"

"Well, I mean it would be kind of weird if we both slept with the same guy—"

Veronica blinked again and this time stopped in her tracks and stared at Mac. "Wait. What? _You slept with Dick Casablancas?_"

Mac blushed. "It was just once. I mean, I did get to know him pretty well when I was dating his brother, you know? And after … well, after all that happened, we just kind of … you know …" She looked down at her toes and fidgeted.

Veronica tried to shake away the terrible image in her head, but found that she couldn't quite do it. "You and Dick? What is this, Bizarro day? First Wallace tells me how I should conduct my love life, then I find out that Dick might be a … then you tell me that you slept with Dick?" She shook her head. "Today is Bizarro day, and everyone is crazy but me!" she exclaimed to herself.

* * *

"Weevil," Veronica said, placing her hands on her hips and caressing his ass with her eyes. "Let's fuck."

After her odd yet edifying conversation with Mac, Veronica decided to take matters into her own hands. There was _no way_ she was going to sleep with Dick. Never. Ever. Ever. But because it was Bizarro day ... or something, she figured she had better get this whole one-night-stand thing _over_ with already, before everyone around her started getting even weirder. Which led her to consider the potential prospects for a dalliance … and led her right back to the ladies room, where her target was currently busy fixing a busted pipe. She closed and locked the door, and then approached her unsuspecting target, bent over with his ass up in the air for any passing eyes to view.

Weevil jumped up, startled, and dropped the wrench he had been holding. He stared at her for a minute, confused, then looked away, then did a double take and stared at her again, his eyes widening. "You said you want to do _what_ with … me?" he asked incredulously. "What the hell, Veronica."

Veronica sauntered right up to him and placed her hands on the collar of his coveralls as she pulled him down until the tips of their noses were almost touching. "Everything and everyone around me keeps telling me I need to get laid," she told him. An ironic smile broke across her face in accompaniment to a mirthless laugh. "Finally, I realize that they're right. I'm sexual tension personified in a button-cute blond body. Unless I get something thick and hard _inside_ this button-cute blond body, I am going to have everyone around me walking on eggshells all the time. Which they already are, by the way. So I need to fuck. I don't want something meaningful or lasting or whatever," she said, her tone dripping with mocking disdain for those terms, "I want a quick," she put her hands on either side of his face and turned it sideways, "hot," she moved her lips to his ear and _licked_ him there, "fuck." She turned his face back and finally closed the distance between their lips and kissed him hard.

At first she thought Weevil would kiss her back, but instead he pushed her away and then headed for the other side of the restroom, as though he needed to keep as much distance from her as possible. "It's not gonna work, Veronica," he told her.

"Why not?" Veronica asked as she crossed her arms over her chest defensively. It was hard enough to believe that she got turned down for sex, but by _Weevil_ of all people. He was practically the definition of a man-slut. Sure, he had once been her dead best friend Lilly's man, but that hadn't stopped Veronica when it came to Logan Echolls, so why should it matter in Weevil's case, either?

"I don't think Wallace would like it," Weevil told her, "if you know what I mean."

"Oh." Veronica was speechless for a moment, then perked up again at the realization that this rejection had absolutely _nothing_ to do with her hotness. She could still find someone else to "scratch her itch," as Dick had said.

"I'm sorry, Veronica," Weevil apologized. "You know I'd love to fuck you—man, I would _love_ to tap that blond ass of yours—but things right now are still kinda shaky and all, with that whole Caitlin thing, and I don't want to mess it up again."

"You're right," Veronica agreed, "Wallace hates it when his bitch cheats on him!"

"I am _not_ his bitch!" Weevil told her angrily. "_Wallace_ is _my_ butt-boy!"

Veronica blinked. "Wow." She shook her head, but could not get that unwelcome image out of her mind so easily. "That was _way_ more than I ever wanted to know on that subject. And how did you even get him to take you back, anyway? He never said anything to me about it." Apparently Wallace had been too busy discussing _her_ sex life with everyone and their grandparents to mention his own, she thought sourly. The next time she saw him, she'd be _sure_ to rectify that little oversight!

"That's just it," Weevil told her in a rare heart-to-heart moment that would have melted her icy exterior if she weren't filled with so much bitterness and sexual tension that, like a balloon mere millimeters away from the sharp point of a needle, she was about to pop, "We're not really 'back together.' He's still angry at me, but we're talking again. That's why I can't do anything that would mess things up," he said earnestly. "I _love_ him. I really don't think I can live without him. I … I've never felt this way about anyone since Lilly." He put his hands up to his face and began to cry. "No, even Lilly … I thought that I loved her, but it wasn't the same. With Wallace it's just … like a whole new world opened up, the sun's shining, people are dancing, and I've got hope, real _hope_ for the future. How can I give that up?" He was bawling now, sobbing into his hands.

Once again, Veronica felt like she was in some sort of Bizarro World. Her friends were chatting with each other about her sex life, Weevil was _sobbing_ in the ladies' room, and suddenly Dick's offer was beginning to look _very_ attractive, especially when compared to the alternative.

Wait. Whoa. What?

Veronica froze, all thoughts about the plight of the grown man sobbing in front of her gone from her head in an instant.

_What the fuck? Did I just consider having sex with _Dick_, of all people? Dick, who might be the deadbeat dad of an 09er's illegitimate baby? Dick, who is the biggest dick I've ever known? Dick, who probably knows how to use his dick better than most other guys on the planet because he's used it so often in the past that he's got to know what he's doing and where to put it—oh, Lord. Even my thoughts can't escape from this strange … whatever the Hell it is that's going on today. For some reason, the thought of having sex with Dick doesn't make me want to vomit. Hello, Bizarro Veronica. I think we both just went crazy._

She vaguely considered trying to comfort Weevil, but decided not to, since he looked like he'd much rather be alone now that he was sitting in one of the stalls sobbing into a large wad of toilet paper. So she decided to ignore him and left the ladies room alone with a lot on her mind—and one person she needed to talk to before she could sort everything out.

* * *

"So if I slept with Dick," she began without any preamble, "it wouldn't make things weird between us, right?"

Logan stared at her as though she had just told him that she was going to do something stupid like sleep with Dick—which she just had, come to think of it.

"I mean, it wouldn't make things any _weirder_, since they're already kind of weird or … something. You know what I mean."

"No, I don't know what you mean," he said slowly, as if still trying to digest the question she had just asked him. "Are you saying you had sex with Dick?" he sounded completely incredulous, and more than a little offended.

"Not yet," Veronica replied honestly. She had gone to see him in his suite at the Neptune Grand, and they were currently sitting on opposite ends of the living room couch—which meant they were about half a room's width apart from each other. In the old days, back when they were dating, she would have been sitting on his lap on this same couch while they watched TV, and they'd be snuggled up together, cuddling and kissing—she tried to wipe those thoughts away from her mind. After all, it had been months since they broke up, and he seemed to be very much in love with Parker—who Veronica considered to be more of a "friend of a friend" rather than an actual friend. And as for Veronica … well, she'd come here to ask for his permission before fucking his best friend, the same way he and Parker had _both_ asked her permission before they began their relationship. She hadn't come to dredge up old memories—although she couldn't seem to stop them from coming. She mentally kicked herself and tried to convince herself that she certainly _wasn't_ still in love with Logan. But … she was. And she knew it. And she _knew_ that she knew it. So trying to convince herself otherwise was really a hopeless cause that would only cause even more heartache in the end.

And yes, she was over-thinking things again. Sometimes being _too_ smart could be bad for a girl's constitution. And as she stared into those stunned puppy dog eyes half a room's distance away, she felt her heart ache and she hated it. She didn't want to feel helpless. She didn't want to feel this way about _him_. They were over, they had been over for a long time, and she still …

"I just … if you don't want me to," she began, cursing herself for feeling even the tiniest shred of hope that Logan would object and suddenly realize that he still loved her too, "it's not written in stone or anything. He offered and I … am _considering_ his offer. I haven't accepted it yet or anything." And now she was _babbling_. What a great way to show off her independence!

Logan's jaw moved a few times as though he were about to speak before he finally turned away from her and cleared his throat. "I don't know why we're even having this conversation," he said, reminding her of herself from her previous conversation with Wallace, "but if it's what you really want, then … who am I to stop you?"

Her heart sank at the words, even though she had expected them. The only positive thing about this whole encounter was that there was at least _one_ person who wasn't completely Bizarro. But why did it have to be him? If Bizarro Logan would grab her and take her in his arms and kiss her and throw her down on the bed—dammit, she _wanted_ him to do that. She wanted to rekindle their old feelings. She wanted it more than anything, but—

She heard the door to the suite open, and Parker's voice calling out "Logan? You'll never guess who I ran into today, it's someone you know too—" she came into view and halted the moment she spotted Veronica. "Oh," she said, glancing between them as though to make sure no hanky-panky had been going on before she arrived. Apparently satisfied with her judgment, she flounced on over to her uncomfortable-looking boyfriend and sat down on his lap with a big fake smile plastered over her face. "Hi Honey," she said, giving him a needlessly long kiss on the lips before pulling back to look in his eyes. "You didn't tell me you were going to have company over today!"

Still sitting on his lap, she turned towards Veronica. "It's so nice to see you, Veronica!" she said, clinging to Logan as though for dear life. She always acted like this when Veronica was around, as though she were afraid Logan would dump her for his ex at any moment, and thus she had to hold on to him to keep him by her side. Veronica thought to herself that any girl who was that desperate to keep her boyfriend with her didn't deserve to have on in the first place.

…_And maybe that's why I _don't_ have one,_ she thought mournfully. _I'm not a frail clingy girl who needs a guy to protect her. I can take care of myself … isn't that why Logan wanted to break up in the first place?_ Her eyes moved from Parker, who was staring—almost glaring, really—at her, to Logan, who was looking away uncomfortably, and then back to Parker. _Because I always took too many risks, because I wanted to do everything on my own. Well, he certainly got the exact opposite of that in her_.

Veronica plastered on a fake smile of her own. "I was just on my way out," she said. Upon seeing Parker's suspicious look, she added, "I just had something to ask Logan, he gave me a quick answer so it's all good." She picked up her bag and made a hasty retreat.

Outside in the hallway, she leaned back against the door of the suite, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She still had a difficult time being around the two of them, especially the way Parker acted. She always seemed so suspicious, and for some reason always felt the need to _cling_. And, damn her, her suspicions were right. Veronica would love nothing more than to rip her away from Logan and take him away for herself. But she couldn't do that unless _he_ wanted it to. And, judging from the way he'd just acted and the things that he'd said, he didn't want that.

As she forcefully turned her mind back to the case she was supposed to be working, she mentally cursed herself. She'd just been inside the suite that Logan shared with Dick—it would have been the perfect opportunity to get a 'sample' for Paige's DNA test. But she hadn't even considered finding some way to sneak into Dick's room to get the evidence. And what scared her the most was that her reason _wasn't_ because her mind had been preoccupied with Logan. No, she'd already decided exactly how she wanted to get her 'sample.' Ever since she'd had the thought earlier, she hadn't been able to get it out of her head. That one single, damning thought that went against everything she believed in.

_Sex with Dick would probably be … great_.

"I bet you're thinking that having sex with me would be great, aren't you?"

Veronica opened her eyes to see the object of her sickening fantasies standing in front of her, leering down at her. She wondered if he, too, had a Bizarro mode—his timing today was impeccable, as well as his ability to guess her thoughts.

She quickly considered and rejected the idea of lying to him. She had finally admitted to herself that, as both Mac and Wallace had told her, she needed to just let go and _fuck_. She'd never done that before. Every time she'd ever had sex—except the first time which didn't count because she was drugged—it had been in a relationship, with someone she loved. She'd never chosen to have a one night stand before. It was something completely out of character for her—and perhaps that was why it seemed so appealing now. Bizarro Veronica had taken over, and she just wanted to get _fucked_.

So instead of lying and slinging some witty put-down at the tall, blond ladies man in front of her, she boldly stepped forward and acknowledged his mind-reading capabilities.

"I think it would be fan-frakking-tastic," she told him as she slowly moved towards him. Dick's eyes widened and he took a few steps back. _He probably wasn't expecting that_, Bizarro Veronica thought with a smirk. _Why not make him sweat a little before we actually go the distance_?

"For you, I mean," she added. "I mean, do you know how good I am in bed? Of course you don't. I am … amazing. I'm like the Helen of Troy of sex. My vagina could launch a thousand ships." She chuckled as Dick continued to stare down at her in disbelief. Surely he'd never expected her to actually _accept_ his offer. But then again, he didn't know Bizarro Veronica Mars.

She leaned forward, close enough that she could smell his breath. _Minty_, she thought. Surely that boded well for the prospects of their one night together. Sleeping with an asshole was one thing; sleeping with an asshole with bad breath was a completely different thing altogether.

"Keep your schedule open for tonight," she told him as one hand reached out in between his legs to cup his balls and squeeze, ever so gently. His eyes grew even wider, which didn't quite seem humanly possible. He appeared completely incapable of any form of speech, so shocked was he by her actions, so Bizarro Veronica continued by herself. "Because I'll be coming by. And I do _not_ want to share you with someone else." She slightly twisted the hand on his balls, and he finally made a sound, a soft moan; she could also feel him hardening against her wrist. She parted her pink, pouty lips ever so slightly, and her tongue emerged and delicately licked at his lips before retreating back into her mouth. "We'll save _that_ for later," she said wickedly before letting him go and turning on her heel headed for the elevator.

Her smirk widened as she could feel his eyes on her back.

She'd finally decided; to hell with it. To hell with it all. She was going to fuck Dick Casablancas like there was no tomorrow.

And then she was going to take his used condom, seal it up in an evidence bag, and make him own up to his responsibility as the father of the adorable baby girl that he heartlessly abandoned.

Two birds, one stone. Perfect.

* * *

A/N: FINALLY they're going to hook up. For goodness sakes. How much more Dawson's Creek-ish angst will we have to go through (and how many drinks will Veronica need?!) before she will just give in and sleep with Dick already?!?! Find out in the next chapter! 


End file.
